Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Split Down The Middle

By: Chris Tsubamoto

Q: If you were going to propose to someone, would you buy an artificial diamond, or a real one? Moreover, would you tell that person that it was fake? Let’s assume for argument’s sake that you are so poor that the real diamond you could buy would be super tiny, whereas the “artificially made” diamond (which is in reality more perfect than the naturally-occurring type), comes out to the size of an average engagement ring. Love’s supposed to be caring for each other instead of a monetary price tag… and yet, some girls insist on having a “real diamond” even though the actual tradition is rooted in clever marketing by the Debeers group in years past...

-Stevie, San Luis Obispo, CA-

At first this might seem like a pretty straightforward question, but if you look deep into it, it unveils one of women’s greatest double standards… equality vs. pampering.

If a woman really loved you… would the size of the diamond really matter? Would she care if it wasn’t a real diamond? Would it be okay to buy a used one from a pawnshop that still has someone’s nacho cheese still stuck in the grooves? The answers to these questions are supposed to be no, no, and no, but for some reason they are yes, yes, and yes. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?

Now I’m all for equality and women’s rights and lesbianism and giving them a fair shake, but let’s be real here. If the dude doesn’t pick up the tab on the first date, he ain’t getting none. If things were equal, this bitch would put in her twenty bucks, they’d hop back into the cab, and he’d be getting head all the way back to his apartment… where he would in turn reciprocate the favor.

Moreover, why don’t chicks hold doors open for men? Why don’t they pull our seats out when we sit at a table? If we’re freezing our peni (you like that word, don’t you?) off and it’s cold and raining, why don’t they offer us their coats so we can stay warm? In fact, why don’t they get off their lazy asses, walk to the car, and pick us up in front of the restaurant? Man, I am such an asshole.

Yeah… I know this is never going to happen. And you know what? I don’t want it to happen. I like treating women nicely. I like going out of my way to make them feel special. I don’t mind offering my coat up to a woman that’s a bit chilly. And I don’t think most other guys do either. Deep down, we are all big softies y’know.

But at the same time, men don’t go around spouting “equality this and equality that!” We recognize that an inequality exists, and live with it. Granted there are arguments that men have had it their way throughout history, and therefore we do not understand the point of view of the repressed woman. But you know what? I don’t care. That’s nonsense. If you make this argument, you can go eat a dick.

Some women might argue selective equality… in terms of professional opportunities, salaries, serving in the military, etc… Hey, I’m all for that. I think women deserve every right to be treated fairly and given the same opportunities. The problem I have is the word selective. Things will never ever be equal between men and women. We can try to get close, we can be open-minded, we can leave all our predisposed notions behind, but when it comes down to it, we are totally different beings with totally different expectations on how we should be treated. If the situation calls for it, I will never discriminate against a woman because of her gender. But if I run a coal mine and I’ve got a choice between hiring a six foot, two hundred and fifty pound beast, or a five foot, one hundred pound woman, guess who’s gonna have to get on their knees to get a job?

Inequalities will always exist, and in a way we need them. Just don’t bitch about it cause if things were truly 50/50, split down the middle equal, a lot of women out there wouldn’t like it too much.

Anyways, back to the question. You must buy a real diamond. Anything less (unless previously discussed) means that you’re a cheap ass bastard and you don’t care enough to “sacrifice” your financial savings for her. If you won’t spring a little scrilla for the ring now, maybe you won’t spring for a house down the road. Or maybe you won’t provide for the family when she’s pregnant. Or maybe you’ll beat her every time she orders some earrings from the Home Shopping Network. Or maybe you don’t buy her nephew a Game Boy. Only women can take something and project its impact 20 years out into the future. I’m just worried what my Fantasy Baseball team is going to do this year.

Secondly, if you buy the fake shit, you must tell her… straight up with no hesitation. If your bitch finds out you’ve been deceiving her, she’s going to wonder what else you’ve been lying to her about. Every single thing you’ve done or said since you’ve known her will be under scrutiny, and she will automatically assume the worst. In her eyes, you’ve already slept with her friend, pissed off all your money at a tit bar, and killed her cat. Plus you hate her mom and think she’s fat.


All I gotta say is this… how come when men get married, they don’t get a 60” TV that costs three months of her salary? Equality my ass…

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