Friday, June 20, 2008

Soulripper

By: Paul Yen

We’ve all come to know and love the phrase “the one that got away.” Yes, the one person in our lives that constantly nags us in the back of our minds, making us wonder “What if?” Well, for me it’s slightly different. I don’t want to wonder “What if?” In fact, I was glad when the girl left. No you’re probably wondering, “What the hell?”

First of all, this girl never actually “got away.” I more or less decided that she wasn’t worth the time or effort, and gave up on her. She did do one thing though, and that was destroying any and all traces of self-esteem I had in me. Some people have flashy entrances. She made sure I’d go out with a bang.

Like all silly little crushes, this was in high school. Ah yes, the breeding grounds for puppy love. All those unsuspecting little kids, not knowing what they’re getting themselves into. Don’t get me wrong. I know that some relationships work out great, continuing on even after they go to colleges far, far away. But we can’t all have perfect lives now, can we? No… this girl for some strange reason unknown to me, attracted me to her.

Unfortunately for me, she was bad news. She went through guys like popcorn, and she liked it. She loved using guys, and like all other guys who fell for her, I could do nothing to stop her. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve agreed to drive her places that were miles out of my way. Whenever I saw that pretty face of hers, I turned to mush. I did her evil bidding like a little dog, hoping for a reward for complying with her. But instead, what did I get? Nothing. Yup, that’s right… nothing at all. Well, there was the occasional flirting. But then again, she only seemed to talk to me when she needed something from me. Suspicious, no?

Eventually, with lots of help from my friends (helping meaning them constantly talking trash about her), I was able to see the light and snap out of my stupor. I finally realized that I was getting about as far as everyone else who liked her, and that was nowhere.

Slow but steadily, I was able to free myself from her evil grasp, and before I knew it, I was out of her deadly web. Now I was thinking, “I can finally return to my normal social life!” Little did I know how wrong I was.

You see, she had managed to make me feel so completely incompetent and useless that I had no self-esteem left at all whatsoever. Another side effect, and yes, a side effect usually implies something bad, was that any time I began to hit it off pretty well with a girl, I’d think about what happened before, and my guard would go up. There’s no way in hell anyone can get past these walls when I put them up. And so, even after I stopped talking to her and avoided all contact with her, this girl was able to ruin my life. Fantastic.

I know that I’ll have to risk getting hurt if I ever want to get anywhere with a girl, but I’m just not ready for it yet. Even the Berlin Wall eventually came down. My walls too will come down, but these wounds I have will only heal with time, and it’ll be a long time before I’ll ever let down my guard again.

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