Friday, February 22, 2008

P.M.S.

By: Min Jung Kim

No doubt. Women get moody. Between the weather, a bad hair day, stress, a broken finger nail, and an unbalanced check book… believe me, we have plenty enough reason to be grumpy. We certainly don’t need our body to remind us of it either, but oh, come every II eight days or so (sneaky how I tucked that in there, huh?), it creeps up on us and bites us in the ass. Sucks.

But oh, to be a woman… the joys, the delight, and the pleasure. It’s worth it. It’s a man’s world to work in but it’s a woman’s world to play in, I think. So play we must. Hurray! (If you think I’m sexist, then bite me - wait, maybe you want to?) *Smack* Back into the 90’s. I may have to go back in for Gloria Steinem re-programming.

Anyways, here’s the 411 on PMS. Every woman’s got it. Every woman’s gotta deal with it. The only way to escape it is to be pregnant, hit menopause, or die. PMS is more certain in life than taxes. Here’s some tips for the women on how to deal with it and for the men to hang in there for the women they care for.

“The term PMS covers a range of physical and emotional symptoms experienced by women during part of the menstrual cycle - 2-14 days before a period starts. This is perfectly normal and there are some women who notice nothing at all.”

If they don’t get PMS, they better get some nasty ass zits. That’s the only way it can possibly be fair. Either that or may they NEVER EVER find their G-spot.

“But for a large majority “that time of the month” can mean having to endure one or more of the following symptoms: headache, breast tenderness/swelling, weight gain and fluid retention. Cravings for salty or sweet food are also common.”

Women, take care of yourself with a full-on self care session. Self care involves pampering yourself and doing all those “high maintenance” things that makes you beautiful. Hell, you know you deserve it. Do your nails, take a bath, loofah yourself shamelessly. DO NOT WAX. No additional pain or discomfort will be allowed. Absolutely Verboten.

Men, be dolls and go out and get a bag of Maui Onion Pretzel bits, Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, and a bottle of Frangelico for your ladies. Don’t say anything. No matter what you say, it will be taken the wrong way. So, for the sake of retaining your testicles, go out and buy the stuff without being asked, drop it off, kiss your lady on the cheek, say she’s as lovely as ever, and then leave discreetly and quickly. Under absolutely no circumstances should you try to initiate anything of the physical intimacy level during this time. Don’t believe me? Let me toss you a few scenarios.

Scene 1:

Man: “Baby, come on, how come you’re not in the mood? How come you can’t give me some right now? Wazzup, you on the rag?”

Woman: “Excuse me, did you just say you didn’t want to get laid this year? Sure thing.”

Lesson to be learned. A woman can be in a bad mood for any number of reasons. PMS might be it. It might not be. Hell, it might even be YOU causing her bad mood. Point is, never ever call a woman’s mood based on the condition of her uterus. That’s the equivalent of saying “Gee, you played a lousy game of ball out there today. Not being able to get it up last week is really ruining your whole life isn’t it?”

Scene 2:

Man: “You’re sooo beautiful”

Woman: “Fucking Liar. I look like a beached whale. I’m a big water-retaining cow. I’m a freak. I look fricking Samoan! I look like your mother in that hideous mustard dress your sister bought her” (promptly to break down in to tears).

You’re basically hosed.

Scene 3:

Man: “Oh baby girl, you in a bad mood huh? That time of the month?”

A couple of reactions are possible…

Woman: “Sweetie, thank you for being so understanding. That’s why I love you, can we just cuddle and watch pro wrestling on TV? Then I’ll give you a blowjob and we can call it a night. I’m just, um, too tender for anything else right now.”

Ahem, in your motherfucking dreams.

Woman: “Thank’s for your condescending sympathy. Can you please not touch me right now. No, no hugs, I think my breasts are about to bust out of their skin. Please go.”

Ok, ok, ok. Maybe I’m exaggerating. But do you really want to take that chance?

“Many women find that with every cycle they experience different symptoms, or that the intensity of the symptoms varies from cycle to cycle. If you suffer from PMS you are not neurotic, a hypochondriac, or a malingerer (as some old-fashioned medical books have claimed!!). It is also clearly not “all in your mind".”

Thank God, it’s not all in my brain. I knew that all along but the little purple kangaroos in my head kept on telling me otherwise

Serious though, I think I’m lucky. I’m grumpy all the time so *I* can’t even tell if I’m PMSing or not.

Advice for the ovulational species:

Cut Down On Sodium - You’ll just retain more water and be even more pissed off when you can’t squeeze into your loose fitting jeans.

Get Plenty Of Sleep - Your body is unable to get as satisfactory a rest during this time of the month so you’re additionally grumpy because you’re sleep deprived. Squeeze in a nap.

Be Kind to Yourself - Self care, quiet time, and peace. Do not accept or return phone calls unless you are guaranteed to feel better because of the call. Absolutely no nagging sisters, bill collectors, parents, or exes are allowed.

Exercise - Nothing rigorous that requires your every so full and tender Ta-Ta’s to shake anymore than they have to. For instance, about 20 laps between the couch to the fridge should be plenty of exercise.

Advice for the “can only have one orgasm at a time” species:

Be kind to the women in your life. As always - ahem.

Listen attentively, act obediently, and forget quickly anything silly or even mildly irrational that your woman friend might say. Kind of like an NDA, never ever repeat anything you see or hear from a woman when she’s in PMS or you will be DOA.

Don’t be afraid. We can smell fear. 

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