Monday, March 03, 2008

Legitimately Stupid

By: Brain Chan

The Relationship Columnist? Love Advisor? The Dating Diva?

Who died and made them king? What’s seems to be the popularity of these so called “experts?” Just because they say a few words that are common sense, people treat them like a messiah.

Honestly, read their material sometime, it’ll all revolve around this… “Yes… blah, blah, blah… it takes time… blah, blah, blah… have some guts… blah, blah, blah… and be patient and listen… blah, blah, blah.” It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what to do, especially with the foolish questions people ask sometimes. Heck, I’m sure Fred Flinstone on a bottle of Bedrock booze can give you the same advice.

Yet week after week their popularity rises and they keep getting attention with their so-called “advice.” Why does this happen?

Simple. There are stupid readers out there. I mean, right off the top of my head I can think of a few good names. You think I’m joking? Go ahead and ask yourself if you seen any idiots around lately. What’s the answer? If you been on a site long enough, you’ll see an idiot online everyday.

These people ask dumb questions like, “I found a used condom in my boyfriend’s garbage can. He denied that it was his and he’s not cheating on me. Should I still believe him?”

Hello? Of course it’s his! Please explain to me how it got there then? The used condom fairy? Target practice? He was masturbating with a condom on or something? What guy in the right mind would even let a friend have sex in his room? No guy wants someone else’s jizz in his room! It’s his you dork.

Then there are the idiotic questions like, “I think my girlfriend is cheating on me, she’s seems to be very close to this guy who’s ten times better than me. I haven’t been laid in months but she’s still taking the pill.”

Well no shit Sherlock. The only reason why she can cheat on you is because she has a stupid boyfriend like you. Maybe if you were any smarter she’d still be attracted to you.

Am I being sarcastic? Heck no! For every ten people out there, five of them are legitimately stupid. It doesn’t mean that the other five are smart, but they’re just not as stupid. Look around. Read around. There are idiots lurking everywhere!

So for all the disgruntled readers who think that certain columnists stink and should be hanged, it’s not really their fault. They just have stupid fans. So there you have it, the mystery of the Caramilk bar solved. Now if I can only find out how they cram all that graham into my cereal. Hmm…

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