Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Invasion of the pubic snatchers

By Min Jung Kim

Oh what women go through to look their best

Beauty is pain.

There’s no other way around it. Trying to live up to today’s beauty standards sucks. It’s a lot of work and a lot of unappreciated time consuming affairs that are rarely noticed in individual units, but overall make for a more polished and lovely person. From typical hygiene like showering and brushing your teeth regularly, to enormous efforts in time, money, and pain drains in the line of manicures, pedicures, electrolysis, and surgery. Now granted, we all try to do our best with what the good Lord gave us, but we tweak it here and there as well.

Today, I talk about Pain, with a capital P. The squeamish best turn back now. The rest of you freaks, brace yourselves and read further. |

I’m preparing for my upcoming and well-deserved vacation in Maui to celebrate my brother’s long awaited wedding. After all, he’s only been dating the gal for 10 years. I think he’s finally ready for commitment. Anyways, the time has finally come for some long awaited sunshine, beach, and beer. Hoo hah!

For the last month or so, I’ve been doing my efforts to prepare for the wedding… running errands, relaying messages to my parents, flight plans, etcĂ– Now it’s time for some self-care and concentrate on the things that I need to do to make myself beautiful for the wedding and for lounging at the luau. In addition to not dying my hair blue, trying not to break nails, and watching my figure so I can fit into the bridesmaid dress, tonight I prepared myself for pain.

Waxing. Sugaring to be exact. Nads, by commercial product.

Now I’ve had the jars for a few months now. Done my legs and once nad’ed my arms as I’m a shaggy little monkey of a Korean gal. With thoughts of bikinis on the beach, I braced myself for the ultimate in beauty sacrifice. Bikini waxing.

I am not a particularly hirsute creature, but I don’t like the idea of little pubie hairs peaking out from my bikini line. Hello? Am I Italian or something? Nah… but just to be extra safe, tonight I trimmed down to prepare for Nadsing the nads.

After a scrupulous search of my arsenal against unattractive body hair, I could only find two of those little cloth strippy thingies. Agh. Nor could I find the little damn plastic applicator. Damn again. So what do I do? Being the MacGyver improvising gal that I am, I grab a butter knife.

And so, here’s Min Jung’s “Quick Guide to Reality At Home Bikini Waxing.”

Step One - Warming up the vat of liquid death
Microwave. 3 minutes on 20% power. Any higher power or shorter period of time will lead to ultra-tortuous pain. One must always always always stir the goop up and check the temperature. Trust me.

Step Two - Premature evacuation
Trim neatly and apply baby powder to the skin area so that it doesn’t stick and rip off any delicacies.

Step Three - Using food when doing the do
Try to not feel like a total idiot as you spread the goop along your panty line with a butter knife. I am not making this up.

Step Four - Stick and move, stick and move
Try to avoid getting goop on any other body part, clothing, or small animals that may be watching and laughing at you on the inside. Actually, I don’t have a pet but I’m sure my stuffed gund bear was cracking up on the inside.

Step Five - It’s mentally delicious
Apply cloth strip to gooped area and rub the cloth firmly onto the skin. Do not get carried away and start masturbating. That will just lead to goop spreading all over areas that you didn’t intend to wax and will cause further pain later.

Step Six - Another use for leather bondage equipment
Find a belt to place in between your teeth to bite down on as the ensuing pain will cause you to chomp off a piece of your tongue otherwise. The intent is not to look like a gimp though that affect may be found.

Step Seven - Synapses fire from pain
Try not to cry to momma. She can’t help you. Repeat until every unnecessary and sneaky looking hair is on the cloth (which you will now want to burn as it only gives you memories of pain and looks pretty gross as a green sticky goopy slightly hairy flat caterpillar).

Step Eight - Burning sensation does not mean VD
Rinse yourself off and apply a soothing lotion to your cookies. Now you may decide to masturbate if so inclined or just apply ice and cry into your pillow. I recommend doing this during times when large amounts of wailing and crying will not be noticeable. Like around class finals or the NBA finals.

Like I said before, beauty is pain. Yeesh.

Just pray (again) that those damn hairs never grow back. 

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