Friday, February 29, 2008

Cornfields & Bats

By Hong Luu

Brown-nose in front of the wrong people at work and you could end up dead

There is not one thing in life I despise more than brown nosers. You know the type. The fools who have their nose so far up their bosses’ ass that they can see what they had for lunch. There’s this jackass at work who is the king of all kiss asses. I call him Neandert’al. No not Neanderthal but Neandert’al, with an emphasis on the t’al part because he looks like one. Sloping forehead, drags his knuckles, fucked up hair, big bottom lip, the whole sha-bang. But for this little story let’s just call him Jackass. If you think the whole Neandert’al comment is out of line, then you should see this guy in person. I’m talking about a walking specimen here.

Jackass started working here about a few months after I did. Right off the bat you could tell the guy was a straight fudge-packer or at least acted like one. I mean this dude walked like a girl and raised his voice a couple of octaves whenever he talked to one. Obviously this guy came off as unassuming to most of the department, but not to me and my buds. We knew this guy was a little Jabroni from day one.

So what is a typical day like? It starts off pretty predictable. Jackass sees some supervisor come in and BAM!!… he’s right there at the supe’s desk, licking his lips, Vaseline out, all ready to suck you know what. It’s ridiculous the amount of effort Jackass puts into this. He literally does a morning and afternoon run of the whole department. He jumps desk to desk, I fucking kid you not. That’s all he does all day. “Hey do you want to read my sports page? How’s the wife doing? I heard you just had a baby, how’s he/she doing?” You’re probably thinking, “But I say that all the time.” Yes you may, but you don’t say it like a fucking broken record day in day out.

How the hell did he grow up to be a brown noser? Did mommy and daddy groom him to be a boot-licker? What did they do? Give Jackass a new list of compliments to memorize every night before bed? How do you think he got any practice in? I bet the parents took the kid out in public to the grocery store or out in front of some business and have him rain compliments on complete strangers.

I bet you have all come across these kinda Jackasses in your lives. If not at work then at school. You know the type. The kids in school who are always the teacher’s pet. You can see them a mile away, always bringing in little gifts for teacher. Obviously these are the kids who always get their heads beaned during dodge and prison ball. These are the kids who are tied around the tetherball pole with jump ropes, and then pelted with everything from tanbark to rocks to school supplies. These are the kids who get kicked off the slide because quite simply, they’re asses and the whole playground knows it.

Being an ass kisser is not a phase that one goes through during adolescence. It happens in college too. You know the type. The Jabronies who take the course evaluation home, type it up really nice on a laser jet, and turn it in right before the final. People like that fucking piss me off. In my world, if you’re an ass kisser then you’re outta there. It’s simple really. Any evidence of you browning nosing and you’re taken out to cornfields and beaten with baseball bats.

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