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Am I Hot or Not?
I spent half a year dreaming about a loser that objectifies women as numbers
All right. I’m bitter. I seem to always be in this state lately, but never more so than after the weekend I’ve just had. I spent about half a year thinking that I was in love with one of my closest friends, and in the space of about ten minutes he completely obliterated any respect I had for him, while destroying my own self image in the process.
So I’ve been friends with this guy for about four years now, and we’ve been pretty decent friends for most of that time. But in the past year or so, we have gotten much closer. About six months ago, I suddenly had the revelation that I was in love with him. And it was perfect, I thought, because we were so close, and I respected him so much, and we got along so well together, blah blah blah. It didn’t matter that he is kinda fat, or not very good looking, or that he has no sense of humor, or that most of my friends don’t like him. All that mattered was I knew that deep down he is a good person with a good heart, not to mention smart, honest, and responsible, all qualities I admire in a man. Not to mention the fact that I totally believe that friendships make a good foundation for a relationship, and that my ex-boyfriend was and is still one of my closest friends.
So my feelings for this guy grew stronger while getting to know him better over the past year. Although none of my friends thought he was good enough for me (even the ones who are also friends with him), I would defend him, even when he was rude or acted like a jerk, because I knew he really was a good person at heart.
Finally, after many months of not getting any response from him and wondering if I should tell him how I felt, I decided it was time to get over him. I was sick of waiting for him to wake up and see me, and I was too scared to say anything about how I felt. I went out with another guy, but it didn’t work out and then I realized that I was never going to let go of him until I had some sort of closure, however lame that sounds.
Late one night after a disastrous date, I saw him online and IM’ed him. I mentioned my recent unfortunate encounter and he started telling me about his criteria for women and that I should apply them to the men that I date. What? Criteria? Elaborate, please. Apparently, the way he decides on whether or not to go after someone is based on how she fares on three tests. He’s actually quite methodical about this.
Test #1 is, objectively speaking, taking only physical attractiveness into account. She has to be at least a six on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest).
Test #2 is that she is interested in him (which he determines by whether or not she treats him differently than she treats other men).
Test #3 is her personality and other such intangibles are considered and her physical attractiveness score is adjusted.
Then he decides whether or not he likes her. I’m not sure what the minimum score is for him to like a girl, but even he admits that it all comes down to gut feeling in the end.
So throughout the conversation, I’m sitting here thinking, “and I like this guy?” I mean, he’s sitting here rating all the girls we both know on how physically attractive they are. One girl we both know, who everyone I know thinks is totally hot, is only an eight in his eyes. Of course, I’m curious to know how I rate (although I already knew I had to be lower than an eight because there is no way I am in the same category as that girl), so after mustering up the courage, I asked him where I fall in. He said, “Well, basically you don’t pass #3.” Ouch. Wait, that wasn’t my question, my question was how good looking he thinks I am. Oh wait… damn, this means he’s known that I liked him all along. But since he’s already brought it up, all right I asked, “Why don’t I pass #3?”
Well, apparently I am only a six, which means I just barely pass #1. “So,” I asked, “I guess my personality doesn’t make up for it?”
“Nope.” Seriously, that’s exactly what he said.
For a few seconds, I was so hurt I could barely breathe. Then, out of curiosity, I asked how he would rate himself.
“I think I’m a seven.”
I nearly busted a gut. If you recall what I said earlier, he is about average in the face, but his body won’t win any awards, as one of my friends so eloquently put it. I was seriously amazed that he thinks he is only one notch below the totally hot girl I mentioned earlier, although he probably thinks I should be flattered that he thinks I’m only a notch below him. I think my amazement showed through my subsequent remarks and he said, “Well, obviously someone doesn’t think I’m a seven.” Privately, I think he’s a five, but I told him I thought he was a six so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings. The conversation was pretty much over by then, so we said goodbye and I went to sleep.
The next morning I woke up feeling depressed and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I walked around for a couple of days feeling completely inadequate. But then I started to get mad. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. How dare that ugly fat ass go around judging women the way he does, when he looks the way he looks? Where does he get off telling me I’m a six and that I have a horrible personality? And why should I have spared his feelings? He didn’t care one whit about mine! I should have told him what I really thought!
I had nothing but contempt for him, and I was so annoyed at myself for having wasted my time on such a loser. I started to recall all the things he ever said about his relationships with women. According to him, all the women he’s ever dated were super hot, and I started to realize why they never lasted. He always had a reason (her work got really busy or she couldn’t deal with the long distance), but when it all comes down to it, they never lasted because he is a fucking loser.
It really pains me to have to say this because it reflects my incredible lack of judgment, but once I stopped liking him (which was pretty instantaneous after that conversation), all the bad things about him suddenly had no excuse, and now I am sitting here wondering what the fuck I ever saw in him in the first place. I can’t even look back and say it was because he was cute, because, as we’ve established, he so is not. My feelings for him were so based on respect and admiration that once those were taken away, I had nothing left to go on.
Knowing him as I do though, I know he was just trying to be honest and did not intend to hurt my feelings. The ironic thing is that I’ve always liked his honesty, even if he was often hurtful. But now I realize I really don’t want a guy who often makes me feel like crap (even if it’s unintentional). Maybe I am just sensitive, but he is the only friend I have who does. I still think he is a cool person at times, that he still is a good person at heart, but just doesn’t know how to say things in a nice way. Plus, I asked for it. It really isn’t right for me to be so angry at him for just being himself (and he can’t help it if he just doesn’t like me), and anyways, I think the anger is directed more towards myself for wasting half a year of my life on him.
So, I know I’ll be angry and bitter for a while, and that’s ok, because I learned a lesson here. Life is an experience, right? One day I’ll meet someone, and that’s enough for me to go on right now.
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